“Millions of Christians Speak Out After Discovering They’ve Missed the Rapture”

So... I enjoy writing fake articles, apparently. I like to jab at people with satire, because it is fun. And sometimes it is offensive. Which is even more fun. So... please sit back and watch as I attempt to alienate just about everybody on the planet. Enjoy.





“Millions of Christians Speak Out After Discovering They’ve Missed the Rapture”



From California to Maine, Spain to the Ukraine, China to New Zealand, millions of people who identify themselves as Christian were outraged to discover that the Rapture, which many of them had been waiting for since early 2000, had actually occurred on February 2nd, 1984.



The data that led to this conclusion came from a variety of sources, including the Rabbinic Society for Scriptural Analysis, the CIA, and Elle Magazine. In addition, a wealth of police reports and hastily-revised census data from that year that had somehow found its way into the Vatican Archives was recently released by WikiLeaks, prompting an analysis of the information that produced a shocking correlation with the findings of the various aforementioned scholarly institutions.



“It’s quite frightening,” said one rabbi on conditions of anonymity. “Since we know the Messiah has not yet come, and now we have this, it’s time to ask, ‘who’s running the show up there anyway?’”



The Pope issued a furious proclamation condemning WikiLeaks for their actions, and promptly had his Facebook wall hacked and covered in homosexual pornography. President Obama made a brief statement revealing that the United States government had been aware of the situation since the middle of 1984, but that the Reagan administration and every subsequent administration after it had chosen to keep things quiet for fear of “generating a panic.”



“Let me be clear,” Obama said sternly, pointing directly at the camera from behind his podium, “This changes nothing. Even though the Rapture has already happened, this country is still facing real problems, as is the rest of the world. We can’t simply abandon all hope just because it appears that all hope in us has been abandoned.”



Extremist Christian factions are in an uproar, demanding of their leaders just what collecting five thousand guns, storing seven years worth of canned goods, marrying multiple partners and living together in a compound for the past fifteen years has all been for, exactly. The Westboro Baptist Church made a public appearance outside the Capitol Building yesterday carrying signs that said nothing but “WE TOLD YOU SO.” Every member of the family present was brutally stoned to death by a crowd, which many of the police keeping an eye on the proceedings pretended not to see. “What?” grumbled one officer on duty, “Should I be afraid of going to Hell for that?!”



In all the mayhem, stock prices have seen the most perilous crash in nearly eighty years, since all human enterprises are apparently being conducted in the aftermath of the apocalypse. Televangelist and former alki Glenn Beck crowned himself supreme leader of the New World Order of Repentant Hellspawns on his television show, which is enjoying its highest level of ratings, ever.



A recent poll trying to gauge people’s reactions to this crisis revealed that 6% of Americans said “I’m an Atheist, god damn it, leave me alone,” while 10% said “Really? I’m actually not that surprised.” However, a whopping 30% said “I jes’ knew that durn Negro president would bring us nuffin’ but trouble!” and a majority of 54% said “Don’t care, long as it doesn’t interfere with NASCAR.” A wave of attempted suicides has hospitals incredibly busy, while book sales for the Left Behind Series have gone through the roof as people frantically search for some guidebook on how to deal with their new reality.



Al-Jazeera correspondents have made continual statements since the news broke that this is all a Western conspiracy, while Russia revealed that their own discovery of the Rapture was actually instrumental in the collapse of the former Soviet Union, and was not due to the actions of David Hasselhoff as is popularly believed.



The Mormons politely announced that the date of the Rapture had been given long ago by the angel Moroni, but that the exact date was in the sealed pages of the golden plates from which their holy book was translated and which disappeared one hundred and eighty years ago. High Chief Poobah of Scientology John Travolta announced that the Rapture was actually the second coming of Emperor Xenu, and that now the real fight would begin, and not like “that pansy s__t you saw in Battleship Earth.” Mel Gibson blamed the Jews for spreading lies, and many Hindus and Buddhists simply shrugged and went back to humming, or whatever.



Although skeptical at first, many people were stunned into belief by seeing a blurry 8-mm film on the news which clearly shows Joe T. Buckwalter, a plumber in Akron, Ohio, who was 38 at the time of the Rapture, simply vanishing into thin air. By all accounts, Joe was the most honest and hardworking plumber ever to live in Akron, and apparently this proves it.



“He never overcharged,” said soccermom Kelly Zeemas, 55, who used to hire Joe for any and all plumbing needs before his (now explained) unexplained disappearance. “He was punctual, he never made a mess, he never, ever swore, which was just weird for a plumber, you know? And he refused to sleep with me, even when I walked into the kitchen naked that one time. He was a remarkable man.”



George Lucas had his best slaves at Industrial Light and Magic examine the footage to prove its authenticity, and made the stunning announcement that it was, in fact, the genuine article: “Even though we could do some pretty neat effects back then, right around Temple of Doom, we couldn’t do anything like that. It was perfect, no pixilation, nothing that would suggest someone tweaked it, even in the last twenty-seven years; this thing went right from being shot into some hidden vault, like the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I would say this is the most important piece of footage in history, even more than the Zapruder film or the original cut of Electronic Labyrinth: THX 1138 4EB.”



Along with the plumber, the leaked reports indicate that just forty-one other people across the world were similarly taken by the Rapture. Ellen DeGeneres remarked on her show that this number seems surprisingly small, given the widespread proliferation of Christianity in the past 2,000 years. “I guess it, uh, never occurred to me who would, uh, actually be… you know… taken,” joked the comedian and day-time talk show notable. “I mean, I assumed if it ever happened it wouldn’t be me, or Rosie O’Donnel, or Steve Martin, or Garry Shandling… you know, all the funny people. I guess I always figured maybe... babies, or, my, uh, my eighth grade English teacher would go; Mrs. McGillicuddy, yick… she was… oh, she was so boring. She made Shakespeare sound really lame.”



With most religious leaders now in mental hospitals or dead by their own hand, people are turning more and more frequently to the only other high-profile people they feel safe getting direction from: celebrities. In addition to those mentioned previously, hundreds of thousands of famous Tweeters have sent messages ranging from “Hang in there ya’ll!” to “I knew sumthin wasnt right when that Rebecca Black video came out!” to “OMFG All bets are off, choke em smoke em n poke em.” Justin Bieber issued an angry statement via his blogspot that “it just ain’t fair cuz I wasn’t even alive when this went down.”



Youngsters across America and the world have expressed similar sentiments, while their parents, who had been holding it together on the fragile dream that their children would eventually grow up, stop acting like idiots, get jobs and have real lives, OR that they would be spirited away to Heaven with no further concerns or fears, are now at a universal breaking point. “I used to be afraid that I would be taken up, leaving my baby to fend for herself,” exclaimed Michael Lohan, father of famed Disney has-been actress Lindsay Lohan. “Now what?! What kind of horses__t is this?! We’re both still here!!”



Perhaps fittingly, it was Bill Murray, the lead actor of the cult film Groundhog Day, who made the most chilling statement about the date in question. “When I found out it had actually happened on Groundhog Day, just nine years earlier than when my film came out, I just… nodded. I mean, Ramis and Rubin and I used to talk about it, and we all generally agreed that we were currently living in Hell, anyway. I mean, why do you think I’ve never won an Oscar?”



More on this story (and, apparently, the ongoing Revelation) as it develops.