So, I see articles from The Onion all the time, either through my subscription to them or by them being reposted by friends. And, it ocurred to me that I can write. Like, pretty well. And I'm funny. Usually. So I decided I would write an article in the same style as The Onion, and then send it in to them to see if they would accept it. I dunno, I figure what the hell, I'll try whatever.
Here it is: my prospective article for The Onion... and if you are easily offended or have a mental condition preventing you from recognizing satire, I would go find another blog right now.
“New Bill Allows African-American Men to Marry Badonkadonks, Only”
In a stunning move following their refusal to recognize DOMA, the current administration has expeditiously put through a bill which allows black men to marry a white woman’s ass, and only her ass, ending decades of debate and strife between interracial couples.
“Ass at last, ass at last, thank God Almighty, ass at last!” Antoine Dekoisha, 22, chanted outside the capitol today, while his live-in girlfriend of the last six years, Angela Reggerio, 19, looked on. We did not ask her for her opinion, since she was, after all, a woman.
“It seemed like today would never come,” Antoine continued. “I used to listen to my father and grandfather tell stories about the gargantuan behinds they lusted for in their days, and how envious they were of my future and possibilities, what with the enormous rise in obesity and whatnot. Now, they too can finally go after that most succulent of lady parts, without worrying about child support, nagging, and fistfights, which all come from the front of the girl.”
Senator Reginald Haywood IV (D – NY) shed a tear as he looked out over the jubilant throngs of supporters gathered before the capitol building to learn the outcome of today’s vote. “I was raised by a white family in the 1960s, and while all the other young black men of my generation were settling with women of their own skin color with ridiculously tiny waists and hard-to-open blouses, I was always drawn to those phenomenal buttocks that white women in lower class households were so well-known for. My current wife, Tammy, has recently gotten into P90X, so I’m extremely grateful that this change is coming; one more year of dieting and I would straight up shank a bizzle. You know?”
Support for the bill came from some surprising sources, including the Anti-Defamation League and the Christian Council on the Sanctity of Marriage. A spokesman for the CCSM issued a statement saying: “With a divorce rate approaching 65% in this country, it is time for drastic measures to ensure that marriage remains a viable and attractive option. Except for gays.”
White big-bootied women everywhere voiced their opinions on the matter, which eventually we had to listen to; surprisingly, a great number seemed to be in favor of the bill, with the biggest reason for this support being: “Those skinny skank bitches are takin’ our men all the time, leavin’ us holdin’ the bag; once they get married they don’t want nothin’ to do with us no more. So if there’s a solution that keeps both of us happy, then hell yeah!” However, a very vocal minority went babbling on for a while about “rights” and “decency” and “lube” or something, but by then senators were spraying bottles of champagne in the air, and in the ensuing party/Caligulan orgy, all politically-minded conversation ceased.
The organization known as Tiny-Waisted Women Against Tyranny, or TWWAT, vehemently took to the streets of D.C. in protest, waving signs saying things like “FOUR CHEEKS ARE TWO MANY!” and “BADONKADON’T!!” Their key complaint against the bill was summed up by President Tanya Dubmeister, the tanning-salon-owner-turned-lobbyist who explained: “They got to leave them hoes (sic) if they wan(t to) stay with us. Now, this give(s) them a(n) easy out! Bitches be trippin’ if they think we gone (sic) take this lyin(g) down, y(ou) heard me!?” When asked about her accent, Ms. Dubmeister informed us that she studied with African-American girls at P.S. 192 in New York City when she was little, and that those circumstances made her an “honorary gangstah.” Others in the organization, including extremely pale goth chicks, vegetarians, fashionably anorexic runway models and bulimic former high school cheerleaders were less vocal, but all indicated they were not pleased with the bill. “Seriously, how is this at all fair to us?” asked E. Strange, a teen girl who is apparently infested with cats. “Our gimmick is that we are skinny; we are not nearly as good at… at whatever it is that fat white girls do! This totally sucks!”
Sucks or not, the bill will be signed into law in the next few days. President Obama made no comment on the bill, except to nod his head very slightly when asked if he was in favor of it. Afterwards, no one at the press conference made eye contact with Michelle, and it was all rather uncomfortable.
Most state prosecutors, livid that they are white and cannot benefit from this bill, are already planning to fight it in local courts, where the first true tests of any controversial new bill always take place. “I would say this is more dangerous than stem cell research, abortion, and Obamacare combined,” admitted District Attorney Donald Deagan of Jackson County, Mississippi; “we must put a stop to this before something even more horrible happens, like Japanese-American men passing a bill allowing them to just marry a girl’s pigtails, or Latino men passing a bill allowing them to marry more than one woman per country. The line must be drawn, here and now, and believe you me, we will be the ones to draw it!”
“…Ass at last?” Perhaps, like the McRib, only for a limited time.
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